Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
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One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.