Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.