On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .