My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
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How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
A classic…
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
I feel it