[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I am, perchance
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.