What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.