HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down