Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.