Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”