Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops