My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I think this should do it.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
How all things should be taught/explained.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax