[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.