Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.