Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Namaste
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters