[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
You Might Also Like
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
🤣😂🤣
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.