By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.