Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like