The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Kids: Stay in school.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻