All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.