me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
You Might Also Like
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The happy life.. 😊
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on