TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You Might Also Like
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses