Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Donkey Kong sommelier
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”