[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Okay me first
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.