cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
crying
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.