My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Somebody call the cops.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon