She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
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[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.