detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’M CRYINGGG
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*