Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
me opening up to someone
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
groan^2
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.