Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me if I was a dog
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?