My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.