Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
never ask a starfish for directions
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.