After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance