Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.