Life is a suicide mission.
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The Sun
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal