If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I camp so other people don’t have to.