Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The pasta is now
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.