*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Shower sex be like:
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me, in DM rooms…