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Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.