Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Thursday
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep