If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
welp
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Buck naked
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
very niche meme I made
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.