CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid