Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
getting corrected
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.