Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator