I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
This guy’s not having it 😆
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)