Does it…does it take 3 days
You Might Also Like
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.