Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A friend helps you before you need it