I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You Might Also Like
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.