*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Why is no one talking about this?!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*pronounces patio like ratio
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: