My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
🤔😂😂
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Untitled Goose Game (2019)