Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
not to brag, but mine was free
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner